First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
