its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
