Got a toothbrush?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
