im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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