So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
