He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
