i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
