I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
