You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
