I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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