i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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