shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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