imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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