they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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