Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
be right there i have to get my cape
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
