Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
