i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
where does the pee come out of this thing
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
