omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
