I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
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