I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
