Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
