I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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