I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Moan for me like Helen Keller
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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