I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dear god my vagina.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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