if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
