Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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