Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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