My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
