I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
