I love black thongs
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize