So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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