the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
