i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
