The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
