the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need water and some morals
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize