I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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