Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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