I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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