alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
