1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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