Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
