If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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