The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
