Sacagawea was the original milf.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think my moral compass just broke
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
