I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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