Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
