Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
