pop tarts are not kleenex
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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