I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
