I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
