you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
