I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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