I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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