my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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