do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
