you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
