I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
