im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
