i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
